anniversaries

i am slightly confused right now - my friend has just said to me that it is her 6 month anniversary of being with her bf ...... how the hell do you get a 6 month anniversary????

n., pl., -ries.

1. The annually recurring date of a past event, especially one of historical, national, or personal importance: a wedding anniversary; the anniversary of the founding of Rome.
2. A celebration commemorating such a date.

[Middle English anniversarie, from Medieval Latin (diēs) anniversāria, anniversary (day), from Latin, feminine ofanniversārius, returning yearly : annus, year + versus, past participle of vertere, to turn.]

so an anniversary is yearly - you can't have a 6 month anniversary! trust a woman to alter it to suit herself though ....... it doesn't matter so long as they get gifts after all!!!!

legends

there is one thing that puzzles me about all the ancient legends surrounding britain - are they really peculiar to the british isles or does every country have something similar

for instance i know the legend about joseph of arimathea bringing the holy grail to britain is not exclusive - there is at least one place in the south of france that claims it was there he sailed to not britain

but what about the survivors of troy? it is said in this country that they landed in britain led by brutus and that he captured two giants, who were brothers, gog and magog, and they guarded the gates of his palace (i think! will have to check that is what they were guarding) in london ...... there are still effigies to the giants there now ...... well i say still, the original ones were destroyed in ww2 but replacements stand in their place now to guard over london

anyway am bored of typing now lol

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "F*ck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"

some jokes

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint.
She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants
to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?

The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You *******b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a********
spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.
'How does it work?'
'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For *****sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the *******morning!!'

The Perfect Husband...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

insurance claims

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

new ceo

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

air traffic control

Hope these put a smile on your face. These are actual air traffic control exchanges from various sources:

=========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

===========================

German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

==========================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

taxi!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "It's okay, thats not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."

blind pilots

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die...

quote for the day

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Anonymous

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

the thing i hate most is

STUPIDITY!! there is never an excuse for stupidity ffs it drives me mad at the best of times ..... but when my daughter's mother phones me for help with my daughter's homework coz she doesn't know the answer, that is when i get really pissed off! i mean she is 8 years old - if you can't do an 8 year old's homework you should be ashamed of yourself! it wasn't even like it was difficult - it was just asking how many centimetres in a metre, how many metres in a kilometre and how many millimetres in a centimetre ffs ..... i was ashamed she had to ask ...... it's no wonder my daughter isn't making the most of her intelligence with a mother that fucking stupid!! argh!!!!!!!!

a bad day at work....

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM
in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.*

*
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
**
**Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With
in a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as
fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.*

*When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my
butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

another thing.....

yes there are other things that annoy me - for instance:

chlorine in the water ..... i don't know about other countries but in the UK we 'clean' our tap water by putting chlorine in it, the same chlorine that nazi germany used to murder millions of jews ..... i just wonder how anyone can think that is safe to drink? i mean if you get fish, you have to put additives in to the tank to make tap water safe for the fish ..... fish which can live in dirty, muddy water can't live in our tap water!! i mean ffs how can that be good for anyone?

hard to believe but......

I have a tendency to get annoyed by things and to get on my soapbox and rant about things ..... I know those that know me will find that difficult to believe lol but it can be the silliest little things for instance:

every day on the way to the swimming pool I walk past the local catholic church and (while that is annoying enough that people are still so backward as to believe in the existence of a god bless em) the thing that annoys me about it is the sign on the gate. Now parking is scarce round here, so on th gate is a sign telling people that it is no parking in the church's car park unless they have a permit or are on church business. Now this annoys me for 2 reasons - 1. what the hell happened to christian charity? do unto others as you would have them do unto you is obviously dead round here! it's more a case of fuck off elsewhere unless you give us money to park here! then those same fuckers will try and preach to others! 2. what the hell do they mean by church business?? have they forgotten what a church actually is? church = people not a building or an obscenely rich and corrupt organisation that covers up for kiddie fiddlers on a regular basis .... makes me understand why the romans tried so hard to stamp out christianity ....... anyway so as a person and on my own business i should surely be able to park there right? after all church is people and i am a person and it is my business so that makes it church business!

one day i hope to bump into the priest and ask him about it ...... i do love asking people awkward questions - its fun to watch someone try to justify their bs when they know they can't =oD

can't believe i got swine flu ffs

of all illnesses to get i had to bloody get it ...... i think that is because i always laugh at people moaning about having flu when they merely have a cold ...... i think this is life's way of teaching me to keep my mouth shut in future ...... won't work but it is having a good go lol

"In Germany they came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
The they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up."

Martin Niemoeller

can people really be this stupid?? of course they can!!

the last one is my fave - and i do think the call centre operator deserved a promotion!!!!

CAN PEOPLE BE THIS . . . . . . STUPID . . ??
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!


Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?" .
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?" .
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre" .
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about" .
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning . Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ) "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please" .
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing . Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven .
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes . That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland " .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop" .
Customer: "OK" .
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" .
Customer: "No" .
Tech Support: "OK . Right-Click again . Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No" .
Tech Support: "OK, sir . Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" .
Customer: "Sure . You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK . In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow . How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it . If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?" .
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------
There's always one . This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time . I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department . . Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause" . Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee . (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect . "
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away . "
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared . "
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing . "
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type . "
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type . "
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV . Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know . "
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it . Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so . "
Operator: "Great . Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall . Caller: "Yes, it is .. "
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No . "
Operator: "Well, there are . I need you to look back there again and find the other cable . "
Caller: "Okay, here it is . "
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer . "
Caller: "I can't reach . "
Operator: "Uh huh . Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No . "
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark . "
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window .
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then . "
Caller: "I can't . "
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure . "
Operator: "A power . . . . . . . . . A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now . Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet . "
Operator: "Good . . Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it . Then take it back to the store you bought it from . "
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is . "
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose . What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

why do women have boobs?

so we have summat to look at while we talk to them ;oD